Friday, 11 July 2008

Alcohol, my one true love

I love alcohol. I really do. I have given up a lot of things just so I could peacefully enjoy my tipple. In fact my friends say I am effed up coz I have on several occasions turned down 'Meaoow' so I could continue drinking. Is that wrong? Really, Is it wrong for me to love alcohol that much? Other people love football, others love cars and so on ad infinitum, me its alcohol. There was a time when I was ashamed about it, but not anymore. I am proud of my love for alcohol. My best times have been when I have had intercourse with my alcohol (yes, I said intercourse, WTF?)

p.s: D.D is laughing coz I said I was in love. Can't begrudge him that. It is funny. Truth be told, I am not. Its just one of those things I am liable to saying after I have had my above-mentioned intercourse. Apart from that, I have been receiving a lot of pressure from D.D about the woman in question. He's been telling me I am cruel to her, blah blah blah, ad nauseum! So partly, I said that coz I wanted to get the bugger off my case! Apparently it didnt work! Damn!

Anywho, here is the thing, I decided this, I will never make a conscious effort to love a woman, or anything else for that matter. I will let instict be my guide, anyone who has a problem with that can go sing to the pigs.
Another thing, I will not act the same as other people, trying to prove my undying devotion. Fuck it! Life is too important to live it imitating other people!

Its furahi day baby! Bring on the alcohol!!!

Ramble Ramble

I was strolling along the internet highway and landed here....must say, that this is a really cool place...I read many other peoples blogs, but somehow, all these guys are always clean in their prose. Seriously, how does someone live their life without thinking the word "shit", "crap", damn....even "doo doo" will do. I find real (ish) blogs, but there's always something missing. A dude can't say "my chick left me for another man" (okay, yes he can....when talking to his mother or something, but this is his own space....let it out) "fuckin biatch left my broke arse for the rich dude down the road" or something. But then, maybe i'm dysfunctional or something, n can't understand how someone expresses regretor anger with a straight face.

Anyway, to all the great bloggers out there who be real...keep real. Bugger is, most stopped blogging. A really irritating thing is to come across a really hot blog, only to find that it hasn't been updated in like 6 months or so....i was one of them (so maybe there's someone out there who stumbled across my crap and went @#$@%@#!!).

Based on the above, i wanna form a new hobby....finding dead blogs, and adding them to my blog roll n hope that one day they shall resurrect.

In other news, NewElijah said that he's in love. That still cracks me up. Alcohol is a helluva drug. Pinted mpaka like 1am before going for a hoe-run last night...only two hoes spotted in Westlands. K-street was totally clear. this Nairobi is turning into a police smoking, no hoes, no nuthing...n i hear there's some screwed MP playing around with alcohol laws. What the hell do this old geezers want us to do?? Sit around at home and make babies?? planning being shoved down our throats as well. I love my country, but never again shall any president have me swear my allegience to them...pack of swine!

Let me jet before i punch my comp!

p.s: Stupid female arguments: "African men can't handle a 'strong', 'educated' african woman...which is why we prefer white men".......while some truth is to be found in the 'can't handle bit', it's more that the woman has picked up so much white trash mentality that we don't want u no more....get yourself some white are fortunately hardly ever missed by the timid african men.

p.p.s: Still laughing but NewElijah being in love.

p.p.p.s: Blog 1 that should be resurrected is "Ruminations of Angie". Sexy blogger with a very real blog. Died in infancy though. Again, please pick up the keyboard and gimme more.

Furahi Day Baby!!!

Thursday, 10 July 2008

From the woodwork

...this roach does crawl, and proud to say:
I'm Still Here!!

Missed this place....I would like to say writer's-block, but the truth is that putting shit down still freaks me out. But today...Fuck!! Can't seem to construct a single clear thought in my head.

Oh, Facebook says i'm a genius, which is kinda cool. But then that also means that i'm an under achiever....but hey, i'm still on the "certifiably genius" bit. Shall meet Einstein in Geek Heaven or some shit like that.

Onto something serious....Fuel in Kenya. Noticed how we've lost the last 'cent' on the pumps? What i mean is that all pump displays have a five character entry system, yaani 9 9 . 8 9 (five characters including the point). So, ideally, fuel could be priced from 99.80, 99.81, 99.82, 99.83....99.89. Hope you following my drift.
At current fuel prices of over ksh100, the same five character system is still being used... 100.8 yaani 1 0 0 . 8 (again, five characters including the point). What does this imply.....if the fuel company has done their costing and come up with a price of ksh100.82, they can only put in five characters......ksh100.8 But that's just it. By losing the last cent, and fuel companies being like banks (greedy as sin!!), they don't truncate, but round up....always up. Ksh100.82 becomes Ksh100.9. Each individual who fuels up at the station gives and extra 8 cents per litre (coz the company shall be damned if they lost 2 cents per litre). If the company has a smart accountant, he can do all the costings and returns at Ksh100.82 and pocket the extra 8 cents.
What is 8 cents u ask? I drive averagely, yet consume about 40 litres per week each month, so that's 8*40*4 = 1280cents or 12.8sh. If the station has a regular clientel of about 100cars per day (which is low), thats bout 3000 cars per month, so ksh12.8*3000 = Ksh38,400 per month, per service station...that can be adequately hidden in the books....a guy can make an easy kill from just five stations.
Oh, the missus works for an oil company, but what the hey...i love the controversy.

Facebook.....what's with that site....had totally dismissed it, but now i'm kiasi hooked. It's brought back alot of memories coz of meeting guys that i haven't seen in ages...some since primary (gotta say, some of these primo mamas have now ivad...n some of the ones i nyemelad are kinda just kawa).

Cellspin is a software that i had installed on my Nokia E90 (yawa!!) but it kept having glitches, as is evidenced by the trial posts below...i shall leave them there to remind me to keep trying to engage the mobile software thing.

Oh, i'm typing all this nonsense n my boss is right next to me....he's doing the's a slow day like that.

Anywhoo, gotta jet now (n edit this post so that it looks neat)

p.s: I've just realised that i got me an afro coz somehow i have developed a morbid fear of barbers...especially since my last experience where i was charged ksh200 for someone to try play surgeon with my scalp. The horror. The experience before that was just as bad, but that was a ksh50 bob barber, so no hard feelings for him...i need to find me a good hair dresser....or i could just knock back afew tots viceroybefore i approach one.

p.p.s: haven't seen my housemate in quite abit coz of different work schedules and i've been spending quite alot of time with my gal.

p.p.p.s: i love my gal!

p.p.p.p.s: Tempted to rant about the cigarette ban implemented by my ex-aunt-in-law-twice removed, but shall do that anutha day.

Thursday, 5 June 2008

Thursday, 15 May 2008

Screeching Symphony

The sirens' song holds me in its grip; drawing me ever closer and closer to my demise upon the rocks of insignificant living. How i let my ship get here i don't know... i lie... i do know... denial... forever telling myself that i have lots of time to set shit correct and that for now i can playfully wallow in all vices that God sent Diablo to lay before us... like a banquet of all things we all love, but should never touch coz to do so is sinful.... shit... bugger up there should elaborate what sinful is coz the only sinful i have been able to identify is that which has now lead me to face the rocks....and now the currents of life threaten, nay; promise to smash me against them... human to blame God for our own fuck-ups... so i scratch that last sentence (but then again, i'm human, so i don't scratch that last sentence).

That music. So sweet. Bathing my body in pleasures had and promised. It makes my eyes blurry. I can hardly see the rocks any more but i know they're there. I know they've been waiting for me for a long time now. Surprised it's taken me this long to encounter them....must be my sloth - kept me from succeeding, and in the same breath, kept me from failing.

Until now.

It's only a matter of time. Like the Merovingian would say - Causality!

What the hell happened to faith.

A different tune does play. I hear it. I feel it. I want it. I love it. I wish it weren't so faint. I know it's her's ...but do i really know her to turn away from the siren's call?
Do i really know the sirens?
Do i know myself?

Fuck it!!
Clear Eyes; Full Hearts; Can't Lose

I will turn my ship around and go to her, failing which i will put air in my sails and navigate through the rocks n kill those fucking birds!! Either way,
I will Touch God!!

p.s: I wish i truly knew what the hell it was i was writing about above.

p.p.s: I have been away too long....n i honestly have no reason for why that is....okay, part of the reason is what's written above if you can decipher any of it. If not, don't one really cares.

p.p.p.s: I raise my middle finger at you!!

Wednesday, 19 March 2008


He woke up, sharp, standing tall, ready for whatever the day would bring.

He woke up, as always ahead of his master, wanting to get a grand start to the day, but there was nothing he could do about it for now because his master had surprised everyone the night before by drinking a full bottle of Viceroy.

A slight scent of synthetic rubber hung over his skin and the ache in his head brought back the memories. Truly, he had served his master well last night. Even through the haze of alcohol, miraa and nicotine, he had done his job correct, and for that, he felt proud of himself and proud to be joined to such a master as his.

That's when he felt IT stir.

Crap. He couldn't believe his eye. Could it be? No. His master was honest and true. It couldn't be IT! The memory of the night before slowly drew itself fully, with him drifting off to sleep shortly before his master, and...........


His master had tricked him. His master had promised to get rid of IT once he had done his job. He'd done his job. He'd held up his part of the agreement, why couldn't his master hold, up to his end, the drunk fuck!!

IT stirred again!


"Please master wake up. I promise I'll never lead you astray again master. Please."

But master couldn't hear. Master was too drunk to hear him. Master didn't care bout him.

IT stirred!

"Master please wake up"

IT stirred and now let out a low moan.


IT stirred and spotted him. He tried to recede within himself, but the adrenaline had his blood coursing through his veins harder and harder forcing his neck to stretch further forth and his head to swell till he thought he'd pop.

Damn, IT was hideous in the light. IT was horrifying, yet sadistically captivating, akin to looking upon the face of Medusa. But this was not the Medusa. No! IT was far far worse, for IT was:

A gnarled hand reached forth and grabbed him by the neck. The Mav slowly bent forth whilst smacking her cigarette charred lips within hideously large jaws whose only purpose was to drain the life from him...render him comatose.

"I see you missed me!"

That smile. Malevolent and full of mischief. He tried to turn away from that smile but he couldn't. The Mav brought that smile closer and closer. Fear and adrenaline surged through him. A low cackling laughter came from between her lips as her rugged fist strangled him further. The smile changed into a sneer, and then The Mav opened her lips. With one last breath he screamed for his master, but his cries were snuffed out as The Mav engulfed his head between her jaws.





The systematic shifting of light and dark coupled with the pressure around his neck made him feel dizzy. His fear of the dark grew with every moment. He was losing his mind. His head was gonna explode.

"Not in here you don't. Time to take you cave exploring. Hahahahaha"

'Evil beast. How did his master ever come across this fiendish creature. It was all that arsehole's fault! Daddy D. It was D.D. who said that it was good. It was D.D. who liquored up my master to the point that he no longer listened to me, only to D.D. I'll kill that D.D. someday. Then I'll take out Master, for master is weak. Master does not deserve me!'

In his monologue, he had failed to notice that The Mav had stirred again, shifted positions, but that gnarled hand never let go of his throat. That's when his eye saw it. The Holy Forest. Within it lay the Cave of Wonders. But this cave had been robbed many times before by those such as he; and pilferage by the very hand that choked him now made it a massive hallway.

His latex. He couldn't smell it on him.


The cave came closer.

"Master! My hat!!"

But master couldn't hear him!

Darkness engulfed his head. The pressure around his neck eased as the hand let go and urged him forth. Hot, wet heat surrounded his entire body. Raw, soft flesh clung to his skin causing an eerie sensation.

'It not meant to be like this!'

The Mav cackled in perverse pleasure.

'Is this how I'm to go out? Is this how it's to end?'

Growing fear and confusion. Lost. The pressure in his cranium growing and growing.

The Mav cackled again.

Master woke. Master buckled and screamed aghast at the sight before him. Master realized that he only felt pure, unadulterated pleasure!

'It's too late my master. You've let me down!'

His head exploded within the cave.

p.s: this tale was told by G. (a single line mention on how his morning hard-on was exploited by this female without the requisite rubber equipment -ain't alcohol grand!!) and remixed totally for 'taming the devil' by your's truly Daddy D.

p.p.s: Little brother is safely down in Malaysia. all the best to him. I miss the prick.