Dark travels faster than the speed of light.

I have lost it. Vitriol. I have none in me anymore.
It's what drove me through every freaking day of my inconsequential existence on this wasteland called earth.
It's what helped me wake up thinking to myself "how do we fuck the world today". I don't wanna wake up anymore, nor do i wanna fuck anything.
It's what made me shower, coz i hated the smell of sweat. Could care less now.
It's what made me good at my job coz i hated the way things were being done around here. Fuckers can bathe in acid coz i don't give a shit.
It's what made me hate over indulgence in alcohol coz i hated being drunk; i hated drunks; n i looked upon drunk females as spittle.......can't wait to be drunk nowadays. At least that way i something to hate in the morning - myself.
It's what made me seek answers to questions and things that i didn't understand coz i hated being ignorant. Now i am like many....spewing 'knowlegable' filth in discussions i know nothing about.
It's what made me dislike but fear God for i object to many of his methods. I'm afraid for myself, coz i'm losing my dislike and in the process, my fear of Him and this is not a place that i want to be coz i know that i probably cannot ever truly love him (not inclined to try either) and if i lose my fear of Him, then He'll mean nothing. After all these years of arguing with Him, i pray that it would somehow count for something.....nothing means that i wasted years of my life seeking Him out when i should have been with the rest of my high school mates chasing after tail.

“He that cannot reason is a fool. He that will not is a bigot. He that dare not is a slave.”
Andrew Carnegie

I cannot reason anymore. It's all futile.
I will not reason anymore. It's aggravating to do so.
I dare not reason anymore. I may find the reason behind my reason for not reasoning. And it shall be in a very very black place within.

Is this living or existing?! Fucking rhetorical question should anyone deem answering it. I need not your advice. Nor your prayers. Nor your freaking sympathy. I give it to no man; i expect none in return!

I do love though. Her's is the only time that i feel at rest. At peace with myself and with this blackness that surrounds me.
But can love replace the vitriol that has driven me forward for the past 26years. I think not....nay, I'm afraid of finding out. It would mean starting all over with an outlook anew - a child discovering the world for the first time, but without anyone to catch me should i fall. I do confess, I lack the courage to do so. I'm weak; pathetic like that shitty piece of chewing gum stuck on your sole whose purpose it to be spread thin on rough concrete as you try and get it off.

Fuck it....I'm hungry!!

p.s: My little brother leaves next week for further IT studies in Malaysia. Probably vanish like my sister did. Bummer. Make him drunk for old times sake kesho.

p.p.s: This is the current me:

"Thinking is what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.”
William James

THE DEVIL AND ME

Yesternight I had another confrontation with the devil (or is it God trying to talk to me?). Anyway, so I go to bed and light my mosquito coil (we got manic, psychotic mosquitos at our place!) and get into bed. A few minutes later, barely 6minutes by the way because i had turned on some music on my phone and two songs had barely played, I hear someone whispering. I wake up with a start! I tell myself that the mosquito coil is what is causing me to hallucinate (though I have used it several times before without having the same effect), I get up, put it off and go back to bed. It turns out that it wasn't the coil, because throughout the night, the whisperings continue. I toss turn and the whisperings continue. I couldn't hear what was being whispered, either because it wasn't clear or because I was too scared to listen. Will someone please tell me what is happening??????

PS: On the night of the first encounter with 'the devil' (see blog with the same title), I had noticed there were no mosquitos as I got into bed. Last night, as I got into bed, I also noticed that there were no mosquitos (I lit the coil as a precaution). Could there actually be something going on here???HELP!

Shhhhh@#$%!!!tt

I just loaded a bamba 50 on my very expensive phone that is used to the likes of 250 to 800 Ksh top ups. I swear it almost laughed at me. Actually took 4 tries before it loaded. I'm guessing it's totally offended. Brokeness i tell u. Lakini furahi day lazima ibambe, au sio!!

Moving on swiftly, i had absolutely nothing to say today, and as is evidenced, i haven't said anything all week. Not from the fact that nothing has been going on, just that i don't know how to say it. Basically revolves what weakens all men... a girl!! Tell u, these creatures shall be the end of all mankind. Really weird considering my age. Dare i say it, i may have met my soul mate (the back ground noise u be hearing right about now is just New Elijah laughing. Ignore it).

Jana was a cool nite (not as cool as wednesday which was spent in her arms mainly). Went drinking (politely. no binge) n shooting pool. Intention was to be home by 9pm. that turned into 10..11..12..01..02..03..04am. Crap. Running on 2.5hrs rest. Hangover was a bitch. Somehow no one at work has noticed that i'm not all there. But then again, we haven't had a single sale all day. That 8% that Kimunya is promising, i await to see.

feeling very disillusioned bout my life right now. Only bright thing going on is being around her. I'm sooo smitten it's disgusting.

But the day isn't a total loss. I came across this really cool blog. Totally jazzed me. Thank God (this phrase is so overused, i doubt it's a sin any more, coz if i was God, yenyewe i'd have gotten tired of reminding people not to use my name in vain a long time ago) i don't have a housemate like that (or do i?? mayhap New Elijah can shed some light on that). This essay is also really cool (read it at your own peril. not very christian friendly) n this chick does some of the longest posts i have ever read.....n they ain't boring. Mad props to her.

Let me be outta here before the screen hurts my bloodshot eyes any longer.

Happy new March everyone.


p.s. : I shall finish "a series of unfortunate drunken events" eventually.

p.p.s. : To all whom i may have blessed, it was a pleasure. To all whom i may have offended, i beg pardon. To all arseholes i may have met, may you rot. Needed to say this should my life be snuffed out unexpectedly by Him.....or should i snuff it out myself (i'd still blame Him somehow for that, coz i'm almost certain that He'd be the root cause).

p.p.p.s. : I'm not suicidal..........yet.

The Devil

He is after me! I swear the devil is after me!

Friday morning, I had what is called sleep paralysis. That feeling that someone is pressing you down. You try to raise yourself but you can't. Only difference is that this time round, I saw a figure sitting on me. It was damn scary!Shit! I consulted my friends who have at one time experienced sleep paralysis, none of them has ever seen a figure sitting on them! I couldn't see the figures face coz I was lying on my side. Perhaps it was for my own good I didn't see its face, because I don't know what I would have done if I had stared into the devil's face!

Monday morning, I wake up to strange noises, Diablo's siren like alarm, coupled with the meowing of like a thousand cats (the freaky kind of meow- you know, the kind that sounds like it's a child crying)! I am totaly freaked out. In my head, as I slept, there were images of dead people, demons and all those other freaky stuff!

To add on, of late, everytime I go to bed and close my eyes, I see images of tortured souls and other marshed up images.

I swear the devil is after me. Where do I run, what do I do? Heeeeeeellllp!

PS: My tortures aside, Diablo is in 'love'. I put it in quotes deliberately because he is actually at the infatuation stage. He is all giggly, all smiley face, damn mentions her name like a hundred times a day (and each mention is accompanied by a swoon and dreamy eyes). I am happy for him. But I am even happier to realize that the a-hole who has been calling me a bitch and trash-talking about me being all marshy inside is just the same as me if not softer!!!hahahahahaha! And guys called Freud a fraud when he talked about projection!!!Ha!

PPS:I need to quit drinking. I got lost on Friday night after a heavy drinking binge. Got a lift in some guys car up to a point where I could successfully get home. I am touched that even with the world having gone to the dogs, there are still some good people left in the world, coz I truly don't know many people who would offer a lift to a drunk stranger! But I think that was a sign that its about time i quit doing such heavy drinking. He could have been a psycho who picks up drunk men, rapes them and then torturously dismembers them!!
But then again, maybe it is a sign that drinking is ok coz the guy was high and he actually confessed that he only gave me a lift coz he was high!!

'Tis the Weekend Baby

Been a cool and crazy 8 days since i last was able to post (though liquor and other extra curricular activities have certainly cut into my internet time).

Had big plans for this weekend. Unfortunately they were never meant to be. Taking the old lady to shagz kesho, return sunday. So i can basically scratch the next 48hrs off.....no alcohol....no smoking....no hanging out with my Feb 14th date (going really well so far. It's part of the 'Unfortunate drunken events' tale so i shall eventually talk bout her).

Mashada is back on line. Bummer. Was hoping that it would stay shut down for a few more weeks or so. That was/is one nasty site. Or is it the people ( in the mind of "guns don't kill people....people kill people"). On that note, I had started a post tuesday, that i couldn't publish coz right now, and all through i shall not do any posts tribal "negative ethnicity" (we live in a politically incorrect world) bull crap on this blog., but the long and short of it was that some customer wanted me to gang up with him against the store keeper in a discussion the two were having for the mere fact that i was of the "house of mumbi".

Let me go start my very sad weekend. Maybe i'll post from shags, if Safaricom GPRS goes that far.


p.s. :Invited another bugger to this blog, but he tends to be very limited in the english/swahili languages. Much the time i have no idea what the bugger is saying, so u'll forgive him should he decide to grace these pages that are "taming the devils" in us.

Lithium

i. Lithium: third element of the periodic table. A silvery soft alkali metal.
ii. Lithium: lithium salts are used in the treatment of mental disorders such as bipolar disorder.
iii. Lithium: heavenly track by Nirvana, off the album Nevermind.


Was meant to blog this morning, but what the the hey!!

Been working on my patent dream. Fossil lubricant alternatives......last sample i worked on survived 3hrs in the oven at 120C before denaturing. Totally cool. Best i've ever gotten was 90Cfor 1.5hrs. Used a lithium base this time round.....used it before, but somehow this time was different. Anywhoo, had run out of the stuff. Shipment came in jana.....badly denting my pocket (private project....the company don't really care for my extra curricular activities). Might have to back off for sometime to get reserves to do medium batch production...real excited.

That's it for the day.

p.s. :got me a casual date leo. so cool.

p.p.s. : Hypocrisy is Kenyan Church Leaders making the following statement "Church leaders have displayed partisan values in situations that called for national interest. The church has remained disunited and its voice swallowed in the cacophony of vested interests". The following up that statement with "the crisis has evposed weaknesses in the national leadership", and then going further to that they indicted the last Parliament for unsatisfactory performance and its "collective selfishness and greed". Oh Jesus, who will lead us to u?? coz it aint these pricks!!

A series of fortunate drunken events........part 2

Previously on "A series of fortunate drunken events":

• daddy diablo, B n Black travelled safely to their graduation ceremony preparations in a town far far away.
• on the fourth day of their drinking binge, they meet up with a fellow drunk know to all as triple H.
• triple H attracts a female he does not want to hang out with due to an assumed fallout months before.
• daddy diablo hastily moves in and begins to devour triple H's delicious droppings.
• unfortunately for daddy diablo, all he gets are digits but he soldiers on unperturbed.

And now, "A series of unfortunate drunken events" continues.

December 2006....day 6

Yesterday, we somehow managed to get gowns......courtesy of B. flirting with the dean's secretary (forties and misshapen and i think she lives on a farm coz she kinda has a slight smell of dung ....how does he do it? gotta ask him someday). Headed immediately back to the pub before B. went any further with the secretary (i think he's got some kind of fetish or something). Ditch campus and head back to town for a drink or two...or three....or four....or five....losing count.

Midnight fast approaches. Parents call to tell me that they are safely in their hotel. 'Are you excited?' "Yes mother." 'My car ok?' "Yes mother." 'Are you drinking?' crap. "Yes mother." i so hate lying to her 'Don't overdo it. You graduate in the morning.' "Yes mother." 'Good nite.' "Gnite mother." Damn, i need a drink.

She calls. Heart racing. I answer, trying to keep my slurring to a minimum. She's coming over in twenty. Cool. Enough time to ditch triple H.

D.D. : We change pubs. I hear guys are on the other side of town.
triple H (very wasted): Akina nani?
D.D. : Wasee kibao!
triple H : Sawa.
D.D. : B., we'll be right back. Need to dump abit of trash.
B. : Safi
triple H : B., haukuji?
B. : Zi, nikosafi as-hapa.
triple H : Poa.

Swiftly leave the club. Times running out. triple H is already dozing off in the car. Get to pub on the opposite side of town. Find some guy that i really don't like pinting huko. We sit. I order a round.....mbili mbili. "Need to pee". Slide out of the pub and dash back to prior club. 17 min operation. Like i said, i'm goooood.

B. got someone. Forget her name in 5 seconds flat..........got eyes on only one woman tonite. tick, tock, tick, she's here!!! "Drink?" 'Yes pliz. but i cant stay.'

CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blah, blah, blah (this word is used coz triple H's name came up one too many times in conversation. Thankfully, tusker makes everything interesting).

3 am. 'I gotta go. Travelling to bundus in the morning.' like i care "Just one more drink?!" 'No, i really need to go.' tusker is really sweet....time to ditch your arse....as lovely as it is "Ok, let me drop you".

Out the joint. 5 min ride to her crib. Peck on the cheek. 'Tell triple H to call me'

WTF?????

to be continued



p.s. : Got lithium today. to be kesho mornings post.