I have lost it. Vitriol. I have none in me anymore.
It's what drove me through every freaking day of my inconsequential existence on this wasteland called earth.
It's what helped me wake up thinking to myself "how do we fuck the world today". I don't wanna wake up anymore, nor do i wanna fuck anything.
It's what made me shower, coz i hated the smell of sweat. Could care less now.
It's what made me good at my job coz i hated the way things were being done around here. Fuckers can bathe in acid coz i don't give a shit.
It's what made me hate over indulgence in alcohol coz i hated being drunk; i hated drunks; n i looked upon drunk females as spittle.......can't wait to be drunk nowadays. At least that way i something to hate in the morning - myself.
It's what made me seek answers to questions and things that i didn't understand coz i hated being ignorant. Now i am like many....spewing 'knowlegable' filth in discussions i know nothing about.
It's what made me dislike but fear God for i object to many of his methods. I'm afraid for myself, coz i'm losing my dislike and in the process, my fear of Him and this is not a place that i want to be coz i know that i probably cannot ever truly love him (not inclined to try either) and if i lose my fear of Him, then He'll mean nothing. After all these years of arguing with Him, i pray that it would somehow count for something.....nothing means that i wasted years of my life seeking Him out when i should have been with the rest of my high school mates chasing after tail.
It's what drove me through every freaking day of my inconsequential existence on this wasteland called earth.
It's what helped me wake up thinking to myself "how do we fuck the world today". I don't wanna wake up anymore, nor do i wanna fuck anything.
It's what made me shower, coz i hated the smell of sweat. Could care less now.
It's what made me good at my job coz i hated the way things were being done around here. Fuckers can bathe in acid coz i don't give a shit.
It's what made me hate over indulgence in alcohol coz i hated being drunk; i hated drunks; n i looked upon drunk females as spittle.......can't wait to be drunk nowadays. At least that way i something to hate in the morning - myself.
It's what made me seek answers to questions and things that i didn't understand coz i hated being ignorant. Now i am like many....spewing 'knowlegable' filth in discussions i know nothing about.
It's what made me dislike but fear God for i object to many of his methods. I'm afraid for myself, coz i'm losing my dislike and in the process, my fear of Him and this is not a place that i want to be coz i know that i probably cannot ever truly love him (not inclined to try either) and if i lose my fear of Him, then He'll mean nothing. After all these years of arguing with Him, i pray that it would somehow count for something.....nothing means that i wasted years of my life seeking Him out when i should have been with the rest of my high school mates chasing after tail.
“He that cannot reason is a fool. He that will not is a bigot. He that dare not is a slave.”
Andrew Carnegie
I cannot reason anymore. It's all futile.
I will not reason anymore. It's aggravating to do so.
I dare not reason anymore. I may find the reason behind my reason for not reasoning. And it shall be in a very very black place within.
Is this living or existing?! Fucking rhetorical question should anyone deem answering it. I need not your advice. Nor your prayers. Nor your freaking sympathy. I give it to no man; i expect none in return!
I do love though. Her's is the only time that i feel at rest. At peace with myself and with this blackness that surrounds me.
But can love replace the vitriol that has driven me forward for the past 26years. I think not....nay, I'm afraid of finding out. It would mean starting all over with an outlook anew - a child discovering the world for the first time, but without anyone to catch me should i fall. I do confess, I lack the courage to do so. I'm weak; pathetic like that shitty piece of chewing gum stuck on your sole whose purpose it to be spread thin on rough concrete as you try and get it off.
Fuck it....I'm hungry!!
p.s: My little brother leaves next week for further IT studies in Malaysia. Probably vanish like my sister did. Bummer. Make him drunk for old times sake kesho.
p.p.s: This is the current me:
I will not reason anymore. It's aggravating to do so.
I dare not reason anymore. I may find the reason behind my reason for not reasoning. And it shall be in a very very black place within.
Is this living or existing?! Fucking rhetorical question should anyone deem answering it. I need not your advice. Nor your prayers. Nor your freaking sympathy. I give it to no man; i expect none in return!
I do love though. Her's is the only time that i feel at rest. At peace with myself and with this blackness that surrounds me.
But can love replace the vitriol that has driven me forward for the past 26years. I think not....nay, I'm afraid of finding out. It would mean starting all over with an outlook anew - a child discovering the world for the first time, but without anyone to catch me should i fall. I do confess, I lack the courage to do so. I'm weak; pathetic like that shitty piece of chewing gum stuck on your sole whose purpose it to be spread thin on rough concrete as you try and get it off.
Fuck it....I'm hungry!!
p.s: My little brother leaves next week for further IT studies in Malaysia. Probably vanish like my sister did. Bummer. Make him drunk for old times sake kesho.
p.p.s: This is the current me:
"Thinking is what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.”
William James
William James
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